Almost a month ago (how time flies!), a speaker at the International Ombuds Association annual conference said something that stuck with me: conflict is driven by unmet expectations. I had never considered it that way before, but it does explain many of the conflicts that I see as an ombuds. Many of the problems I see are, at their root, begin with unvoiced expectations and spiral into conflict when those assumed expectations aren’t met. Mutually assumed but unmet expectations multiply the problem.

“Wait!” You might say. “My expectations are crystal clear!” And on paper, you might be right. The syllabus should define what instructors and students expect of each other. Job descriptions, Position Description Questionnaires, and NPD-19s formalize job functions. But do they really contain all our expectations for each other? I don’t think so.

First, these expectations are often suggestions rather than descriptions. For example, a job posting for an Administrative Assistant I in Academic Advising at the College of Southern Nevada specifies that the duties include providing administrative support to the department and “monitoring the Coyote Q.” But what defines administrative support? Some might say, doing tasks when directly requested, while others might believe that true support is proactive, coming without specific direction and sometimes before the one being supported even knows they need it. Likewise, one person might think that checking the Coyote Q once a day is sufficient “monitoring,” while someone else might think that it needs to be constantly checked in real time.

The Coyote Q example is a particularly clear example of how mismatched but unverbalized expectations brew conflict. I can easily see a scenario where the newly hired AA checks the system once a day and believes they are doing a wonderful job, while their supervisor doesn’t understand how they can be so lax. If they sat down and talked about their expectations, they would immediately understand why they were in conflict. A simple, honest conversation could make life much easier for them both.

Resolving a workplace conflict isn’t always that easy, but you would be surprised at how often it is. But there are deeper kinds of expectation misalignments, that can’t always be fixed with a simple clarification. For example, what if the supervisor expects their employee to never question them, but the employee believes in open discussions about everything? One expectation is silent obedience, the other is a more collaborative approach to tasks. How long could these two work together before conflict rears its head?

On the surface, the Coyote Q conflict would be reported two ways: by the employee as a micromanaging boss, and by the supervisor as a lax employee. And the supervisor who prefers the productive, silent types would complain that their worker was insubordinate, while the working would protest their tyrant of a boss. But the real conflict wouldn’t be about micromanagement or insubordination: it would be, in both cases, about unmet expectations.

If you’ve gotten this far, maybe you have reframed a current or past conflict of your own, realizing that it really was caused by unmet expectations. And you’re wondering what you can do about it. Luckily, you’ve reached the part of the column where I present a few tips.

1. Say the quiet part out loud. Even if this expectation seems insultingly obvious to you, it might not be to the other person. What would happen if you told them that you expect certain things from them? Whether that talk leads to an easy fix or a more protracted struggle, you are on the right path.
2. Think meaningfully about your expectations. Are they realistic? Are they fair? Some of them might be, but some might not. Perhaps you didn’t consciously realize the weight of these unspoken expectations until now. In either case, you may want to consider shifting your expectations if you can’t have the talk mentioned above.
3. Consider their expectations. What have they told you they want? What haven’t they said? Think seriously about whether they are expecting something from you. If so, can you deliver it? If the answer is no, are you ready to go back to tip one and have a frank discussion about expectations?
4. Meet periodically to touch base about expectations. Waiting until the conflict has started rarely makes the conversation easier (I would say never, but I have learned to (almost) never speak in absolutes). It’s okay to ask if there is anything that’s expected of you, and share your expectations. It might save everyone grief.

Real life is never as simple as a textbook (or blog post), and I’m not saying that being vocal about expectations will transform your life into some kind of conflict-free paradise. Even conflict resolution experts have their sore spots and blind spots. The key is to better understand where the conflict is really coming from so you can decide what’s worth putting up with, what’s worth arguing about, and what’s worth walking away from.

Clarity won’t always make you happier. Indeed, sometimes it can be heartbreaking. But it can help you see the road you need to take, which can be the first step to, ultimately, less conflict.

If you would like to discuss your conflict, or the best way to realize tip one, a visit to the Ombuds Office might be a good idea. Whether you are a student, faculty member, or other UNLV employee, the Ombuds Office has many resources available to help you through any conflict or communication issue you might be facing. If you are having an issue and are uncertain where to go, it is an excellent zero-barrier first stop. 

If you would like to talk privately and confidentially about any work- or campus-related concern, please make an appointment with the Ombuds. Our door is always open.

David G. Schwartz

UNLV Ombuds