We’ve all seen clips of adults melting down in public—screaming, shouting profanities, and otherwise acting disgracefully. If we’re honest, there’s a healthy serving of smug superiority involved, as we tell ourselves that with our level of self-control, we would never make such a spectacle of ourselves.

But maybe the question we should ask is what would drive us, or someone else, to have that kind of freakout? Because the people who do melt down probably didn’t wake up planning to lose their composure. 

A recent experience stuck in an airport helped me reflect on what pushes people to frustrations. While everyone has their own, sometimes unique, hot buttons, four of the most common root causes of frustration include:

1. Lack of communication. Having travel delayed is never going to be something you enjoy, but the airline’s slow response magnified everyone’s frustration. Nobody’s going to be happy to hear that their flight has been canceled, that they are on their own to find a place to stay for the night, and that they won’t be compensated at all. But we weren’t told that straightaway; instead, we were told to wait in a line that wrapped around the terminal to get more information. Had the airline been transparent from the start, we might not have been overjoyed, but we wouldn’t be checking into a motel at 1 a.m. The lack of communication added substantially to an already bad situation.
2. Refusal to apologize. A few weeks earlier, another airline’s flight was delayed on the tarmac for about 20 minutes, and (shudder) the plane’s Wi-Fi wasn’t functioning for the entirety of the flight. While we were delayed, the captain got on the PA system and apologized abjectly, repeatedly saying that this wasn’t acceptable and that they owed it to us to do better. It went on so long I honestly felt bad for him, but the point is that I felt that he—and by extension the airline—recognized that they had let us down. By contrast, in my more recent experience most of the representatives we spoke with seemed to think that the whole thing was our fault, that we should have expected the flight to be canceled (despite not a drop of rain falling at takeoff time). What’s more, the way they talked made it seem that they didn’t feel any responsibility at all for having marooned hundreds of people who had paid for their travel.
3. Loss of agency. Like most folks, I like to get things done. Being cut off from any productive work (sorry to those who we had to reschedule) with nothing else to do was, for me, extremely frustrating. In our daily lives, most of us occupy a niche where we are useful to ourselves and others—we get stuff done. To suddenly have nothing to do but wait in lines that go nowhere to learn nothing feels like you’re wasting more than just your time. It can strip your identity. And, when our identity is threatened, we can lash out.
4. Uncertainty. Spending an extra day away from home might be inconvenient, but it could be tolerable and even a little fun. But not knowing when you might get home makes every minute that much more difficult. Even if it’s not a message you want to hear—e.g., the next available flight is next week—having something concrete to plan around helps make it easier to handle.

I’m still a little mystified at how poorly the airline handled almost every aspect of the flight cancelation. Nobody likes to hear that they’re stuck, but I can’t imagine a scenario where that message goes down more smoothly after you’ve been waiting in line for three hours, let alone six. While nobody had the day that they had planned for, things probably would have been better for everyone, including the airline’s staff and management, if they had made a better effort at communicating.

Even if we’re not stranding travelers, there are going to be times where we can’t live up to others’ expectations. In the moment, it might be tempting to blame it on “an act of God” or scoff at the person who was naïve enough to believe that their flight, whose status on the app had continuously been “on time,” would take off that night, the better choice probably was to be honest.

Lately, I have had multiple people in the Ombuds Office describe their conflicts with a person who “hates conflict.” Which I get—most people don’t want others upset with them. But I still think that they’ll be a lot less angry hearing a difficult truth now than if they hear it later. Postponing the conflict rarely makes it easier when it boils over, as it almost always does. There are a few good ways to resolve a conflict: I’m an advocate of listening to everyone and brainstorming some potential solutions. But you could also try to split things down the middle, or see who can be most persuasive. The key is, you’re talking about it instead of ignoring it. Conflicts aren’t immune from the law of gravity. What goes up will come down—unless it’s been launched with such force that it achieves escape velocity. In which case, you’ve got a few new problems, depending on what you’ve packed for lunch.

Boiling everything down: sometimes, you’re going to make someone unhappy. Rather than ignoring or blaming them (even if they contributed), having an open conversation about what happens next is almost always a better step forward.

But I realize that not all of our steps are positive. So, no matter who you are, if you aren’t as happy as you would like here, a visit to the Ombuds Office might be a good idea. Whether you are a student, faculty member, or other UNLV employee, the Ombuds Office has many resources available to help you through any conflict or communication issue you might be facing. If you are having an issue and are uncertain where to go, it is an excellent zero-barrier first stop. You have nothing to lose and quite a bit to gain.

If you would like to talk off-the-record and confidentially about any work- or campus-related concern, please make an appointment with the Ombuds. Our door is always open.

David G. Schwartz

UNLV Ombuds